Saturday, February 2, 2013

A Not So Great Start To The New Year

I got dumped on New Year’s. Great start to the new year right? (I’m using sarcasm, I hope you know.) Honestly, I was pretty content with the fact that someone I cared deeply about had lost feelings for me. Reason being, I’m in a better place. I had given up a lot to be with this person. I had to give up my old friends, my Facebook, my life outside of him just so he would be happy. Turns out-he couldn’t let go of my past mistakes and for the I feel sorry for him. I gave him all the reassurance in the world that I was sorry, that I care, that I loved him and I proved that to him by giving up more than what I should have. I don’t regret what I have done because I believe that the mistakes people make they learn from and they grow. Whether they see it or not.

Another reason being, I knew it was coming. The continuous.. “I’m sick” excuses. Those get sketchy after a while. When your sick more than 10 times a month, I’m going to suspect something. It’s just part of my nature. Nobody gets sick 10 different times in a month’s period. Excuse my language, but I call bullshit.

 The fact that he could take his friends anywhere they wanted in town or out of town, but then when I suggest to go somewhere he would complain about gas money, or make another excuse.. “I’m too tired”. I had to pay for gas money-twice. Those two times being the only times we have gone out of town together since I had been back. (I’ve been in Indiana since March of last year) Hiding me from the world- not taking me out on my 18th birthday, not wanting to spend time with me more than once a week. Then expecting me to not do anything, other than school. You have no idea how butt hurt this guy would get if I were to go out with friends. Eventually, the arguments weren’t worth it and I just started isolating myself more and more. Hence- I had given up too much. I look back now and I was basically trapped into this whole thing. A poor bird in a birdcage looking outward and seeing the blue sky and wanting to fly so desperately. I was that bird. I should have ended it a long time ago. Shoulda, coulda, woulda but I didn’t because I didn’t want to let it go. I put so much time and energy into this person. I didn’t want to just give up. That’s not me. I fight for things I want. Thomas was no exception.

This guy saved me. He loved me when I couldn’t love myself and when I was just starting recovery with my eating disorder. I give him props for that. It’s hard to deal with someone who is so negative and down on their changing appearance. I remember ranting and crying to him over how I felt about the way I looked. How I just wanted to starve and how I would rage about how "fat" I’ve gotten. I remember him telling me that I’m the most beautiful person in the whole world to him and that he wishes I could see it. How he was there for me through it all and he knew that I could beat this thing. I fought it. I fought and fought and I gained a good amount of weight. His accepting, caring, loving personality made me fall for him. I knew this guy was for me. Looking back at it all.. it brings tears to my eyes because I lost someone who truthfully saved me. It’s hard to not put the blame all on myself.

Things just changed and there is nothing I can do about that. Like I had told you previously I was fine with the news. Until, that is, Thomas started texting me and asking me a load of questions regarding what I did on such and such day. He started causing me stress, and upping my anxiety. I was now the bird in the birdcage with the door wide open, but not flying out. That’s when I started feeling the emotions that I didn’t feel before because I let my negative mindset get the better of me. I felt hurt and angry and it was all directed straight to Thomas. This all started happening in the middle of the month, the 15, the be exact. I was staying with a friend the weekend prior to that day. I completely ignored my phone, the whole time. I just wanted to have a carefree, wonderful weekend. Then I checked my messages the day I left. Thomas had texted me. A lot. He was saying things such as.. “I miss you, I love you, I don’t understand why you’re ignoring me.” I felt physically sick. I have a big heart and I do have emotions. We exchanged texts and then Thomas said he wanted to see me on the 15th. I had mixed emotions about that but I let it happen. He came over around 2 in the morning and we just sat in my driveway in his car. We talked, hugged, and we may have kissed. Afterward, I asked him.. “What are we?” He sat in silence for a few seconds before responding with.. “People.” That’s when my true emotion hit me all at once. I didn’t appreciate the smart ass comment and I didn’t know whether to just sit in silence, leave, yell, or cry. I wanted to do all at the same time. I choice to just stay and try to not say something I’d regret. Before leaving we exchanged one last hug and I told him something that came straight from my heart. “Remember when I told you I’d always love you no matter what?” Head nod. “I haven’t backed out on that.” As he was giving me a hug, the words “I love you” spill out of my mouth. He said it back and that’s when I just start crying on his shoulder. I hate it when people see me cry so after a few seconds I just let him go, got out of the car, and walked back into the house. Tears falling down my face. At that moment I gave up fighting.

For the rest of the month I have been dealing with crying off and on at random moments, increased stress and anxiety, feeling rundown, and acting upon my eating disorder. I gave in, twice, I binged and purged. I’ve been having to stop myself from doing it many other times before and after that slip up. It’s not easy. When I’m vulnerable.. that’s when the voice comes to my mind and pokes at me. The once barely there voice, now booming in my head. I hate this conflict that I have with myself and I hate the fact that it’s back. That slip up wasn’t the only thing I’ve done though.. I’ve been dealing with laxative abuse. Nothing extreme but the fact of the matter is I’ve been doing it out of pure relinquish for myself. I’m just not in a good mindset whatsoever and I just need time to get back on track. I’m still fighting. I gave up for a few days but I know I need to keep fighting in order to not fall completely back into it. I’ve been eating fine. Right now I’m just trying to make sure I don’t get out of control. I know how much I need to eat. I just need to re-accept the fact that if I go over I don’t need to turn to extreme measures. I’m not restricting. I know how many calories my body needs in order to function. It’s the guilty feelings of eating that I’m dealing with. Which in my experience is the start of the bigger problem. I know and see that. Which is why I’m fighting and will continue to fight. 

A pro to this month, though, is that I passed my math exit exam. Remember when I was talking about eating "brain food" to boost up my memory? Well, my experiment did it's job and I passed with flying colors! So if you have  big exam coming up, I'm telling you.. eat "brain food!" It does wonders.

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